My struggle

Hello everyone,
I feel I need to explain my words last night. I am not going crazy although that is what it feels like. I am not having as much trouble with the eating but that's because I just needed permission not to eat. I have always been much thinner than I am now and have fallen into the trap that you have to eat or you will die. I have however had a very clear testing of my faith this week and I was and still am surprised to know that it is a lot weaker than I thought it was but it is also a lot stronger than in the past. The way I responded to this trial is not the way I had hoped to. It turned out greater than I could have imagined and my faith has grown because of it.

As some of you know my son Alex came back to live with us about the first class. Christ chose to save him and he responded in surrender. He was baptized about 2 weeks ago. Praise to the Father who sits upon the throne! He and I are going to Mexico on a mission trip over spring break. Last Monday, he left our home around 5:30pm because he did not want to mow the yard. I thought he would ride his bike around the block and be back in time for supper. We went out looking for him around 6:30. We reported him missing around 8:30pm. The police picked him up in Grapevine the next day about 9:30 pm.


I did not respond very well. I know God loves Alex and that he has a divine purpose for him which has not been accomplished. But instead of clinging to those promises I chose to think the worst and play the victim. Even when they called to tell me they had found him and asked if I was going to come and get him I said I'll call you back!? I could not hear God's voice I prayed for direction and peace it just was not coming. I even thought my husband was leaving me too. He was suppose to go out of town. Again I thought the worst and believed he should not leave me in case Alex was hurt or in trouble and I did not want to do it on my own. I knew God was there but I wanted Todd there too. I allowed Satin to disturb everything in our family because I wanted it my way.

My faith was tested and I was not as strong as I thought I should be. My feelings were hurt more than I expected them to be. I felt more alone than I thought I would. I feared more that I thought I would. Maybe I found out how weak I really am and how strong He can make me. It took more of my strength than I thought it would. I fell in a hole and now I am making my way out He took over in my weakness and protected Alex and brought him home safely. He is restoring my faith and my strength.

I don't know if this makes any scene to you or not. I am just confessing my humanism to you. God has a plan and a purpose for everything and a time for everything. I am not as low as I would expect to be. I am just extremely tired and that's when I over eat. I pray this will be a blessing to you.

Libbie

Tonight

Ok, after having a bar-b-que sandwich and a chocolate turtle fudge cookie with ice-cream and hot fudge, (Remember how I said that Bruce was a horrible accountability partner), I was tempted to beat myself up...WHY didn't I stop at 5...I wasn't at a 0 when I started...uhhh, why am I aware of everything AFTER THE FACT...Why can't I be more AWARE all of the time...what happened to the 8 Keys...in the words of Charlie Brown "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!".

And, when I look back at each one of those statements they all have something in common....I, I, I, I...the focus of ME!!! So, by God's grace, even with food up to my epiglottis, I am trying the whole Grace thing...to observe and correct. So, I screwed up tonight...God is bigger than that...He still loves me...it's not about how well I did or if I failed miserably...He can use it all to the good for me, whether it is an opportunity to experience His Grace...or to entertain you with my rantings...or to keep me from EVER EATING CHOCOLATE AGAIN BECAUSE I AM SO SICK RIGHT NOW THAT I COULD...well, you know!!! UGH!! Grace...Grace...Grace...Lord help me accept that free gift that You give me!

Group was a really great tonight and it helped me be prepared for my encounter with the cookie monster that took me from a 5 to an 8. I am currently trying to remember that there is no condemnation in Christ...and that His strength is perfect when mine is nowhere to be found. I sound like some sort of Monk or something as I walk around the house chanting "Thank you God for my failures, thank you God for my failures". Luckily, Bruce has seen my "crazy" before so he is just enjoying his hot fudge cookie sundae in front of the t.v. (a total no no according to the 8 keys of concious eating...but who am I to judge) and ignoring me...

So, the sandwich and the cookie weren't the failure...but eating to like an 8 was! :) So I observe and correct...honestly, I had hoped I wouldn't have to provide you all with an example of a trip up so soon after our meeting, but what can I say...I'm devoted to you guys. LOL!


I am thankful that the Lord did give me the time and motivation to create the charts that we discussed tonight so that I might actually try to dig a little deeper each day this week. If you would like me to email them to you, let me know. Thank you all again for your support, friendship, and encouragement...this is a slow process and I think that I am finally letting me expectations, regarding this being a quick fix weight loss plan, die. This is about me and Him...or Him and me...or He and I...whatever, you know what I mean...this is about my relationship with Him!!! If anything else happens, AWESOME, if not, there is no greater treasure than to draw closer to Him, and to simply get a glimpse of His Glory.

Take care this week...and please share your thoughts on the blog if you can!

Ash

Just wanted to let you all know the questions will be up tomorrow!!!

Hi Everybody,

I think this will be a really cool tool for us to use!! I will be posting the questions for our week here, and then we can talk on twitter throughout the week.

Tonight was really great, and encouraging. Thank you all for your support and friendship! It means so much!

Ash